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Seks and relationship after pregnancy - Q&A sex therapist

The arrival of a baby is one of the biggest leaps you will take in your life. It’s a profound, usually joyous event. But parenthood also entails challenges, including in regard to sexuality and intimacy. Many parents wonder if and how the dynamics of their relationship will change after childbirth and when it will be safe to have sex again. Moreover, hormones, fatigue, and many new responsibilities can all affect your sex life.

For insight into these important but often sensitive topics, we invited sex therapist Dr. Nynke Nijman to address some frequently asked questions. Whether you have recently given birth or are already a parent of longer standing, Nynke offers valuable insights for navigating this new phase in your relationship.

Since the birth of my son (1 year old) I have lost almost all desire for sex. Will this ever change?

Yes, it most certainly can! In the first year after giving birth, all sorts of things change in your life so that the desire for sex doesn’t seem to be a priority at all. Your perception of your partner, of your own body changes, and you will be frequently totally exhausted at the end of the day. It’s all about making you feel like having sex again, about getting in touch again with your own body and your partner. However, nothing will happen by itself: you will really have to pay attention to it again, consciously seek sexual stimuli, and make time for it.

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My feelings during sex have changed after my 2 deliveries. Is this normal? What can I do about it?

This can occur. Childbirth has a HUGE impact on your body! You may have some scar tissue in sensitive areas if incisions were necessary, or if the skin was damaged during childbirth. The feel of this tissue may differ from that of your other skin. Also, your pelvic floor may have developed excessive muscle tone, or you may have experienced a prolapse. Visit a pelvic physiotherapist to see if they can do anything for you.

You are mentally struggling to take the initiative towards intimate contact after a miscarriage and wonder what to do about it?

Try seeking intimacy first in other moments: a conversation, crying together over your loss, a hug, snuggling against each other on the couch, sharing a kiss, taking a shower together, or have a conversation about intimacy. The important thing is to experience your shared bond again, without focusing on the grief but on your love for each other. It may take some time before you see each other as an attractive partner again instead of the bearer of immeasurable shared grief but do try to make space for this over time. Above all, express your uncertainties. Who knows, maybe your partner will take you by the hand in the most loving way…

Is it normal for your sex life to completely disappear when you have children?

That’s indeed what happens to many parents, but it doesn’t have to be! Of course, your approach to sex changes, because you suddenly have to consider your children, you will suffer from sleepless nights and have to divide your time and attention. Moreover, there will be many other concerns, and your stress levels go up. But it also depends on how much attention and priority you continue to give your sexual relationship. If sex is something that you have always been open to and enjoyed, then it will likely take a lot less effort to keep focusing on it despite the many changes. If you’ve always had to make a conscious effort to make time for sex, then chances are that with the arrival of children, it will become even more challenging.

Communicating is key

As we saw in this conversation with sexologist Nynke, it is normal for sexuality to change after childbirth, and it is essential to communicate candidly with your partner about needs and concerns. By consciously making time for each other and respecting each other’s boundaries, parents can restore and even strengthen intimacy despite the hustle and bustle of family life.

Remember, there is no “right” timeline for resuming sexual activity, and each situation is unique. The important thing is that you feel comfortable and have the space to find your own way. If you still have questions or need further support, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Remember: you are not alone in this journey!